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Thursday - January 22, 2004
Too Two Tango 


So, I have to do an entry.

My excuses about the holidays and catching that flu that’s going around are all used up. The holiday décor is gone.

There is no particular cause for my absence, except maybe I was dreading the topics that had to be discussed. Goggle’s Florida update alone could see me ranting into next week. And, please god, don’t get me started on politics. Or my inbox. My last entry was meant to give a laugh to those it didn’t address and fly over the heads of those it did address. But the influx of psycho mail has been steadier. I might open the mailbag soon and show you all my wares, but for now I just can’t muster up the ire required. It’s cool outside. Business is good. There are significantly more DVDs and CDs in my collection than there were prior to December. I’m basically content for this entry to just let sleeping blogs lie.

At the launch of this new year, I’ve noticed an influx of couples calls. I’m wondering if there’s some kind of self-help guru to thank some touchy-feely sexpert that has recommended putting some spice back in your relationship by sharing a mutual phone sex call. I’m not sure, but it’s interesting.

Couple calls are always fascinating to me because, well, it’s not just a guy jacking off into his old Slayer t-shirt in his parents’ basement. At the very minimum the guy has to be able to bag or rent a person willing to engage in sex acts with him.

Guys with other guys is always inexplicably hot to me for reasons that confound me. I think part of it is that men fucking just seems that, by its very nature, it would have to be more…primal. The hard parts outnumber the soft parts. Also these callers generally have a very dom/sub dynamic that really fries my fritters.

But the hetero dynamics can be awesome. I had a couple call not too long ago where the male dom explained the things he was doing to his submissive. It was only a few minutes into it when I realized these were not weekend warriors ordering out of the prissy leather and lace catalogs. These people shopped at a hardware store for their sex toys. Pliers and O-rings and lots of tools that I never imagined using in a sexual setting. Not without an aftercare booth close by. There wasn’t a blow torch in play (I hope) but the girl had a set of lungs on her that could have summoned the dead, so I’m thinking soundproofing is a fixture in their home.

Now, you may well ask (I know I did when I first started) what a couple needs with a phone slut. Well, in my experience it’s pretty much one of two things: audio voyeurism and porn director.

The audio voyeurism calls are easy. All I have to do is listen and moan on cue, although I have to admit there is something that almost always turns me on about listening to people fuck and role-play. These calls go a step beyond treat. I get off and get paid. Have I mentioned that this job has DEFINITE perks?

The porn director is more of a sticky wicket. Because sometimes it is people who have pretty much worn out their own ideas and are looking for new ones which can be a tricky dance of the first water. Because if they haven’t tried it before that means they didn’t think of it. And is that because they would be adverse to it, or because they just haven’t been exposed to it? I once really freaked out a woman by suggesting she rim her husband’s asshole. Another guy got angry because I asked him if he’d ever spanked his wife. Knowing what is out of bounds for people is hard. And if it’s “out of bounds” is it REALLY out of bounds, or do they just want to pretend it’s out of bounds so that you can “force” them to do things they’re trying to pretend they don’t want to do.

I don’t spend a lot of time worrying about people thinking ill of me, per se. I mean, sure, part of me prefers to preserve professional relationships and retain them as clients. But I don’t give a damn if they think I’m some sick crazy twisted bitch. I’m *pretty* sure the taboo fetishes have got that covered. I’m upfront about the sick puppy thing so if you’re calling me it shouldn’t come as any shock that I’m ready, willing, and able to push boundaries of all “good taste.”

But and this will sound cheesy I *really* want the clients to get off. And that isn’t smoke-up-the-ass type stuff. Do you realize how mind-blowing it is to be listening when a couple goes some place they haven’t gone before? It’s the next best thing to being in the room. I’ve been on the phone when couples have anal sex for the first time, when a woman dominates her husband for the first time, when a guy got fisted by a prostitute for the first time. These things rock. Seriously rock.

So much of this job is tightrope walking. Dominate me, but don’t fuck me in the ass. Have my sister catch me jerking off, but NOT my mom. I wanna fuck the high school cheerleader down the block, and the girl scout up the road, but the brownie is OUT of the question. There is serious Forrest Gump “phone sex is like a box of chocolates” karma in the mix. And that challenge is what keeps the job fun and exciting.

But sometimes I wish I could make people fill out a questionnaire. Although, come on, who tells the truth on a personality quiz? We all watch PBS and listen to classical music and only eat food high in vitamins and fiber on questionnaires. So I don’t think the “I’d like my wife to lick my asshole” question would meet with as honest a response as my job would require.

More’s the pity.

Xox,




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